By Olivia Knight
Other than sleeping, there are three basic steps to being a newborn infant -- eat, poop, and cry. Mastering the art of being a newborn infant requires attention to timing and nuances of the above skills.
Eating: Feed early and often. Milk tastes much better when derived between the hours of 1 am and 4 am. Take advantage of the first few weeks when the nurses have told your parents that your stomach is small and they should feed you on demand. Also take advantage of the fact that your parents haven't bought any books on childhood development and will probably feed you on demand until they learn better (hopefully age 25.)
Pooping: If your parents have been too lazy to use cloth diapers, teach them a lesson about their environmental insensitivity by tripling the volume of diapers they throw into a landfill. Poop immediately after your diaper has been changed, for added effect, poop again after the second (or third) diaper in the same changing session. Diapers come from trees, Mom, and the garbage cans of diapers that you are throwing away won't biodegade for at least 500 years.
Crying: See the section on eating. The nurses and other people have told your mom that infants cry for three reasons -- 1) they're hungry, 2) they've pooped, and 3) they're uncomfortable. If your mom is like mine, she'll usually try feeding first. Especially since she' can't roll a baby swaddle to save her life. Keep them guessing by not crying when you've pooped. And be sure not to fall for the gimmicks the people at the baby store have tried to sell to them -- the sling, the vibrating chair, etc.
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